You Got REBUKED!

At a recent church gathering, there was some mention of accountability as a positive aspect of community. Having come from a really conservative, unhealthily so, Christian background, in which accountability and rebuke were, at least for me, things to be feared. So, I have spent some time trying to recover the true meaning of accountability, and thus have some opinions on the matter. Yeah, I know...surprise!

I think it's natural to view accountability, and specifically some of its aspects, such as rebuke and admonishment, with suspicion and fear. And, in many ways, these feelings are justified. I say this because the American church has, for the most part, failed to employ a Biblical version of accountability. This typically falls into one of two camps: 1) Hands Off and 2) Gloves Off.

1) Hands Off - In this model of accountability, we observe people struggling in various aspects of their lives. This can be marital strife, addiction, pride, and other general idolatries and failures to trust God. In the Hands Off model, instead of lovingly assisting the person who we see struggling, we watch and hope someone else helps them, or we figure it's "between them and God". Hands Off is the default model for most Christians partly because of fear of conflict (which is really a misunderstanding of what accountability is) and partly because most of us have so few relationships that are deep enough and rooted in love enough to really justify acts of confrontation or admonishment. After all, admonishment and confrontation from someone who doesn't really know us is at best superficial, and at worst deeply hurtful. Unfortunately, often times the Hands Off model is practiced until things "go too far", at which point the "Gloves Off" model is deployed.

2) Gloves Off - In the Gloves Off model, when struggling is seen it is confronted aggressively. This typically means telling them to "man up" or "STOP IT", to motivate them with guilt or threats, or to challenge their 'Christian maturity' by accusing them of lacking faith or some other apparent Christian "requisite". In many cases, Matthew 18:15-17 (passage on "church discipline") is viewed with cold-hearted, dogmatic "instruction following", rather than in the light of attempting to rescue someone from themselves. When this kind of "instruction following" is employed, it's often done with complete disregard for feelings or for how well you know the person you are confronting.

"Uh hi, I saw you speak unkindly to your spouse and just wanted to say that you need to quit acting like an unbeliever. Have a nice day!"

In reality, Christian accountability is supposed to be done for the other person's good. It's simple and subtle, but we often get confused and act as though accountability is not for their good but for ours. Maybe we are annoyed, or apalled by behavior we observe, and we feel it's our "God given duty" to let them know they are wrong.

But, again, the problem with that is that accountability should be an act of love. Not an act of justice, revenge, or pursuit of "the truth" (insofar as "the truth" is just "setting the record straight"). It's not shaping the other person into your likeness, or your ideal, at your pace. It's shaping them into Christ's likeness at HIS pace.

In reality, this should look more like real friendship than a business transaction. In these scenarios, when you see your friend stuck in the throes of sin, you will choose to approach them about the sin, to empathize, to help them determine the root cause of their sin, and to show them how the Gospel answers that root cause. Then, you'll choose to stick with them, pray for them, and help them in any way that is truly beneficial, regardless of how quickly (if ever) they respond. It is usually not a quick meeting or two or a counseling session, but a continual walking beside and loving of a person.

And, as I've tried to describe before, loving doesn't necessarily mean simply trying to make them feel better or convincing them that everything is ok. Loving them means being real, and helping them to see areas of weakness which may be blind spots to them, praying with them, and talking specifically about the sin that is contributing to to their situation. Sometimes it can seem like a tough love, and other times it is the sacrificial love of helping to support a friend in their time of exaggerated weakness (I say exaggerated since we are always weak and in need of the Gospel of Jesus).

I hope you've gathered from this description that this kind of accountability is nearly impossible to do without a prior relationship of love. If you haven't already invested heavily with love in a relationship, then you probably aren't the right one to "help" direct that person. But, when this kind of relationship does exist, and accountability is done in love, then it will most often result in good. Yes, it can still be painful, but it's good. "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."

One additional thing to keep in mind, so that you might love others more effectively, is to realize that, due to a variety of factors, many professing Christians believe an appearance of maturity, independence, and even sinlessness, is a good and necessary thing. And so, when you point out a sin or weakness in their life, they're likely to respond negatively. After all, you are challenging what they believe to be the very core of their Christian existence. Acknowledging your accusations may very well seem to them to be acknowledging that they're not good enough, or aren't worthy any longer or that they're not as good as you are. This is clearly an opportunity for you to speak gospel truth into their life. To "gospel" them by showing them that it's not about being "good enough" and self-reliance, but about reliance on Jesus. If the gospel is truly the key to their happiness, as it should be, then you'll be reminding them of their freedom from sin and they'll likely, in the long run, thank you.

Ultimately, true Christian accountability should point us to Jesus, to the cross, and will serve to help us to see where we have failed to believe truth about God.