Our Love/Hate Relationship with Rules

I recently finished reading "Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus". While there were some concepts in there that I don't agree with, and though some of their examples seemed a bit unrealistic (Actually, "superhuman" would be a better word), a couple of the chapters were absolutely fantastic and worth the price of the book. The main one that struck me was chapter four entitled "Jesus Loves All His Little Prodigals and Pharisees".

The main point of this chapter was to point out that although we commonly view rule-breakers as the "sinners in need of Jesus", that rule-keepers are just as in need. Now, before you dismiss this as common sense, read on and see the extent to which we take this. Because, if you're like me, this is the most common trap into which I fall.

The chapter starts with a story about two kids playing in the pool. One, named "David" is a rule-breaker. When things don't go his way, he cheats and/or quits. The other is named "Susan" and she plays by the rules, and when others don't play by the rules she gets upset or proud. So, the kids are playing a game in the pool and David gets angry and quits because he gets called out for cheating. Subsequently, Susan gets angry because David always cheats and then quits while she plays by the rules. And thus we are introduced to the situation at hand. The mother, who is often superhuman in the book (giving the perfect, if not a bit formal and stuffy, answers to her kids) deals with David first, since he knows he sins, and then turns and responds to Susan:

"Yes, Susan, David should follow the rules of the game. But the rules are not the most important thing. There is something that is heavier and of more importance than the rules of Marco-Polo. Do you know what it is? Mercy is more important than the law.” ...“Susan, let me tell you about something called the law of love. The law of love is the law that Christ kept perfectly on your behalf."..."We are all law-breaking rule-haters when it comes to something we want to do. David breaks the rules by cheating, you break the rules by screaming at him, and I break the rules by wanting peace and quiet. We’re all law-breaking rule-haters." ... “So you see, Susan, if you truly believe that Jesus died for your sin, you can love your rule-breaking little brother. After all, you are just like him.”

It's so refreshing, and convicting, to realize that rule-keepers are no different than rule-breakers. The author goes on to say:

Within every household and even within the heart of every person, there is a Susan and a David. There are those who love thinking that they keep the rules, and there are those who don’t care about the rules as much as they care about other things, such as winning or having a good time. The heart of a Susan and a David resides within each of us, and who shows up simply depends on what’s at stake on any given day. Do we want to win? Do we want to rest? Do we want to claim the moral high ground? Welcome, Susan and David. The only power strong enough to transform the selfishly rebellious and the selfishly self-righteous heart is grace. The law doesn’t transform the heart of either Susan or David. It only hardens them in pride and despair.

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that most parents are like me. I tend to praise my rule-keeping children while working hard to correct my rule-breaking children. In fact, the author speaks to exactly that:

If your parenting is moralistic, like most of ours is, children like David will break your heart, but children like Susan will make you proud. It is only when you parent with grace that the destitution of both children becomes apparent. Children who embarrass you and children who make you proud must both be taught the deeper truth of the welcoming father: mercy trumps law.

But this isn't only at work in my parenting. It's often at work in me! While most Christians would, to some degree, recognize the role of grace and the gospel in their lives, we functionally live as though we don't believe it. We constantly try to prove ourselves "good enough" and to praise others who we view as doing "good enough" all the while subtly chiding those who aren't living up to our false standards. This is the very truth behind the story of the Prodigal Son. It's a point Tim Keller made in "The Prodigal God" and which the author of this book makes as well. Even as we read the story of the Prodigal Son, we tend to judge that "naughty prodigal son" but probably not so much with the "faithful" son.

The Susans of the world are not hoping for their errant brother’s return. No, of course not. They’re out working. And they are filled with proud resentment at the father’s welcome home party for his son. But what is the father’s response to such arrogance? “His father came out and entreated him” (Luke 15:28). The father’s arms are open wide: “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours” (v. 31).

By parenting our kids in this way, we teach them that good behavior wins God's favor....an attempt to disprove the gospel in the process! Why? The gospel says we can't earn God's favor. The gospel says we are weak and in need of His grace. The gospel says all people sin and need God.

But the gospel isn't good news to those who are relying on their own efforts. It's, at best, too good to be true and, at worst, infuriating.

So how do we overcome this in our lives and in our parenting? How about by owning up to our weakness? By making much of God and His grace by making much of our sin and constant need of Him. By recognizing that kind outward acts are not necessarily any more righteous than outward sin. When we tell our kids that they need to be good, like a sibling or another child or like us, we tell them that there is something wrong with them that isn't wrong with everyone else. We encourage them to try harder, or to give up, and we slit the throat of the gospel.

Do you think that rule-breakers need the gospel? Well, rule-keepers may need it even more as they likely have a harder time understanding it. Remember the story of the Pharisee and the sinner? Jesus tells this story in Luke 18:

¹⁰ “Two men went to the Temple to pray. One was a Pharisee, and the other was a despised tax collector. ¹¹ The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: ‘I thank you, God, that I am not a sinner like everyone else. For I don’t cheat, I don’t sin, and I don’t commit adultery. I’m certainly not like that tax collector! ¹² I fast twice a week, and I give you a tenth of my income.’

¹³ “But the tax collector stood at a distance and dared not even lift his eyes to heaven as he prayed. Instead, he beat his chest in sorrow, saying, ‘O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner.’ ¹⁴ I tell you, this sinner, not the Pharisee, returned home justified before God. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

See it? The sinner recognizes his need for God, while the Pharisee thinks he has it all under control. Note, especially, Jesus statement at the end...the sinner returns home justified.

We all need the gospel all the time. There's no such thing as "sinners" and "saints" in the way that many of us think of it. Let's start living consistently. Let's tell each other, and our kids, the truth. We all need Jesus and nobody, not adults, not "good kids", not pastors, are exempt, or even need Him less. That's the truth. In summary:

Give grace to your children today by speaking of sin and mercy. Tell Susan that she can relax into God’s loving embrace and stop thinking that she has to perform in order to get her welcoming Father to love her. Tell David that he can have hope that even though he really struggles, he’s the very sort of person Jesus loved being around. Dazzle them with his love.

Inspiration From Hollywood

I don't generally like movies...or rather, I like them too much. I think I must have an easily discontented personality, and that is a dangerous thing to expose to movies. You see, as you may well know, Hollywood movies are designed as fantasy worlds. They portray unrealistic lives and situations, filled with only beautiful people, perfect scenarios of sex, adventure, fun, and mystery. Movies don't often show the other side of things. They don't show the handsome/beautiful star taking a poo. They don't show the passionate couple working on their budget. They don't show the star of the show dealing with chronic back pain or digestive problems. They don't show the action sequence where the amazing super spy's car gets t-boned in a chase scene, killing him on impact.

So, movies generally make me discontent. I can watch The Bourne Identity and, while I'd not say I want to run for my life and possess amazing martial arts skills, it makes my task of mowing the yard and doing the budget seem pretty lame. Movies, when compared to real lives, do a great job of making even the most ideal real life seem utterly boring and incomplete. They're an escape from reality. I believe that the attraction, for many movie-goers, is so they can fantasize about the perfect guy/girl, the perfect romance, the perfect adventure, the perfect job, etc.

But occasionally I'm able to get something productive from my cinematic experiences. Largely this comes from the drive to not waste my life...To try to be the man I want to be. The following characters from the cinema are a few examples from which I'd like to glean some character shaping habits:

Elwood P. Dowd from the movie "Harvey" (Played by Jimmy Stewart) - Elwood P. Dowd, though perceived to be a nutjob, is Mr. Niceguy. He's Friendly... making everyone he meets feel that they are important, special and loved. This is a hard one for me, because I'm naturally introverted and, well, selfish. But, in my dreams, I'd love to be more like Elwood P. Dowd.

Jacob Palmer from the movie "Crazy Stupid Love" (Played by Ryan Gosling) - I just saw this last night. The guy is actually a sleazy womanizer, and I don't want to be like him in that manner. The one thing I take away from this character is confidence. Also, not confidence born from "believing in myself", but rather a comfort in your my skin. This obviously doesn't account for faked confidence. I mean, most people who come off as confident are, in reality, very insecure and are trying to make up for it. Genuine confidence seems, for the vast majority of people, to come from one of two places:

A) Pride and arrogance
B) Recognition that your value is not likely to be found in the eyes of the masses

The reason I break it out like this is that I see no other logical means for it. Now, I'm sure I could be persuaded otherwise, but hear me out. If you truly think you are better than everyone else, or at least most people, then you'll probably be pretty confident. Alternatively, if you don't think you're any better than the average joe, then you're going to probably seek the approval of others. We don't live in a vacuum. We interact with others constantly. So it seems that the primary way, outside of arrogance, to become confident is by believing that you have the unwavering and unconditional love of someone who matters to you more than everyone else. So, there may be the occasional odd duck that genuinely believes themselves equal with everyone else, and yet is genuinely confident and comfortable in their own skin, but I tell you it's gotta be rare. Most are wearing a mask...

Dom Cobb from the movie "Inception" (Played by Leonoardo DiCaprio) - This one is more of a stretch. It wasn't so much Cobb's character, though his passion for his wife and kids was admirable, but it was more the scenes of he and his wife having grown old together and his constant attempts to get back to his kids. This reminded me how short this life is and that I should be cherishing and treasuring every moment with my family because it goes by too fast. My kids will be grown and old before I know it... I know that someday I'll look back and say "Wow, they grew up fast" and "This life sure went by fast" and so I want to look back with no regrets about how I spent my time. I don't think I'll look back and wish I had watched more TV, or done more projects... I think that I'll be more prone to looking back and wishing I'd spent more time with my family and invested more in those relationships around me (friends, family, neighbors).

So.... while movies usually just serve to depress me, it's not always that way. I guess I just need to get better at finding truth in movies, as well as doing a better job at cherishing what I do have.... Oh, and it helps to recognize that most movies are promoting a fantasy world just as much as Disney does....