Hearing vs. Listening

I find in myself, and in most people, a strong drive to be heard, respected, and cared for, but little, if any, drive to listen, respect, and care.

If you follow Jesus, or if you just desire the world to be a better place (as God intended it), then I have some good advice for you: listen. Not merely hear, but listen.

While it may seem silly to split hairs by distinguishing a difference between hearing and listening, I'm going to do it anyway. For the purposes of this blog entry, this clarification will be helpful. After all, you can hear what someone is saying, and even comprehend their words, without understanding their true meaning and motive, or even caring. That last part is vital. In order to really listen, you must care. And if you really care, then you should listen.

In order to care, and subsequently listen, we must put ourselves aside, let our thoughts and opinions take a backseat, and get to know their point of view. This doesn't mean that we cease to have thoughts and opinions, it just means that those thoughts and opinions should be secondary to the person to whom we are listening.

I think the reasons for most people's tendencies to hear, but not listen, are varied. But typically, they're one of the following:

1) The desire to prove ourselves valid, worthy, and lovable.

How this plays out in conversations is that we hear the other person's words, and we immediately want to respond with a story about ourselves, a counterpoint to their belief, one-upping whatever they say, or something of the sort. When this happens, we're so enthralled with ourselves or what we're going to say next, that we don't listen.

2) A genuine delusion that we're right and they're wrong.

In reality, it shouldn't be about "right and wrong". Instead, it should be about learning about the perceptions, interpretations, and values that have formed their view. Every person views things slightly differently. We each have been formed by various input in our lives. A great book on the subject, "Difficult Conversations", says it this way:

"Some of us are artists, others are scientists, others pragmatists. Some of us want to prove we're right; others want to avoid conflict or smooth it over. Some of us tend to see ourselves as victims, others as heroes, observers, or survivors. The information we attend to varies accordingly."

If we come at conversations from an angle of "convincing them we're right", we will likely fail to achieve that very goal.

3) Hesitance to "get involved".

We fear getting involved in people's mess, and thus refuse to dive deep with them.

4) Bad habits.

Our culture has trained us to stay superficial and to carry on conversations by batting a ball of superficial conversation back and forth:

Person 1: "I've always liked the Yankees."

Person 2: "I'm partial to the Red Sox myself."

Person 1: "The Red Sox are alright, but I really like the tradition with the Yankees."

Person 2: "That's cool."

Consider how this conversation can go if you listen to the person:

Person 1: "I've always liked the Yankees."

Person 2: "Really? Why is that"

Person 1: "Well, I really like the tradition involved with that organization."

Person 2: "What part of the tradition intrigues you?"

Person 1: "Oh, mostly all the great names that have been there over the years. DiMaggio, Ruth, Mantle. The list goes on and on."

Person 2: "Yeah? How long have you followed them?"

Person 2 is really listening and caring about Person 1... even in something small.

I'm sure there are more reasons we don't listen, but those are the big ones I've seen. So, in summary, here are some brief reasons, or motivators, for listening:

1) Caring - Genuine caring. Digging deep into their thoughts and hopes... what has formed and influenced them, rather than trying to prepare your next statement or idea while they're still talking. Whatever your motivation, caring for people should be a goal. “The first duty of love is to listen.” - Paul Tillich

2) Learning - Listening and asking good questions allows you to fully hear the other person out. After all, if you are humble, this is a great chance to correct your OWN views as well! "Big egos have little ears." - Robert Schuller

3) Building trust - People can usually tell if you're listening or not within a few minutes of talking. Further, after more time spent, people can tell just how serious and genuine your listening and caring goes. There are few, if any, greater obstacles to the gospel, and to relationships in general, than being known as a poor listener. On the flip side, there are few greater doorways for the gospel and for relationships than being a good listener. "There's a big difference between showing interest and really taking interest." - Michael P. Nichols

4) Influencing - After trust is gained, you can use effective listening to help shape and influence a person. Even when you disagree with someone, good, thoughtful questions can be a great way to subtly, lovingly, guide them to healthy conclusions. Though counter-intuitive, this can be MORE effective than pushing your point. "A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with." - Kenneth A. Wells

This is a huge subject, much bigger than I'd feel comfortable inflicting on you in one blog post, but I hope you'll join me in studying to be a better listener. My suggestion? Next time you go to visit someone, go with the goal of not talking about yourself or your interests at all. Instead, try to really love them by thoughtfully paying attention, really thinking about what they're saying, and asking relevant and caring questions.