Do I hate God?

You know how sometimes a really simple, and basic idea can impact you in an embarrassingly significant way? Oh... um.... neither do I. Okay, yes I do. And this is a tale of just such a scenario.

I've been reading "Bold Love" by Dan Allender. It's a good book so far, but one part has hit me particularly hard. I read his chapter "Taking our hatred out of the closet". It's all about how, even as Christians, we still find ourselves in situations where we hate God. Now, I realize (as does Allender) that hate is a strong word and that it seems completely out of place in this context, but bear with me. (almost typed "bare" with me... um... please don't.) Anyway, Allender suggests that since sin is, in itself, hatred for God, and we still sin, we still hate God. Granted, it's in much lesser frequency and it is resolved by our recognition and repentance much more quickly, but it's still there.

Allender states (my paraphrase here) that sin is a defiant movement, sometimes unintentional and other times very intentional, which refuses to depend on God for His direction and strength. It's the ultimate toddler temper tantrum. Shoving God's hand away in anger and insisting that our way will work much better than his "doo doo head" way. (sorry, couldn't resist) Sounds like hateful rage to me!

I didn't give this chapter too much thought until I got into the first page of the next chapter. It's here that Allender really nails the significance of this realization. He suggests that if sin is just a failure to conform, a mistake to do what is right, then forgiveness is cheap. It may yield appreciation, "Gee thanks God! That's swell!", but not worship. However, if sin is a failure to do what is right AND a deep, insidious energy that desires to eradicate an affronting and meddlesome God from our existence (Mostly Allender's words there), then forgiveness is breathtaking. And there it was... the simple idea with the massive impact, because, well, this blew me away.

Now, obviously in the heart of a Christian a struggle is born at regeneration. Paul describes this struggle as "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak". Basically, we're torn... but as we grow, we desire God and His ways more and more and want less of our own ways. So, it's just occasional rage.

This is a hard thing for me to grasp. Honestly, I've spent most of my Christian life building thought patterns (deep ruts) that consider my sin as "doing wrong", but not really considering too deeply my hatred of God. It takes work for me to process this now... and it's sad and pathetic. Consider a human analogue for God: a powerful world ruler.

Let's say you were to spend some time around the most powerful world ruler ever known... we can debate who that would be, up to this point, but maybe one of the Caesars or something. Anyway, not important. Say you're spending time with them... How do you think they would respond if you were to rebel? To scoff at their guidance? To suggest that they weren't loving because of all the evil going on in their kingdom? To push their hand away? To lash out at, harm, or kill, their close friend or relative? Hmm... I think we'd expect a quick and violent death for most all of these. And what if their response, instead, was mercy, forgiveness, and sacrificial love towards you? That'd be pretty impacting... and so it is with God...except our rebellion is about 1 million times as bad and God's response is 1 million times as unexpected and amazing.

Seriously. The Creator of the universe is going to sacrifice His son for our rebellion against Him? No wonder Paul calls God's plan "foolishness" to the world. It makes no logical sense by human standards. Love so amazing and un-human.. truly does deserve my life and my all.