Despicable me...

The heart is deceptive, not only able to deceive others, but even its owner.

This is something I've said, taught, preached, etc.... I mean, obviously it's in the Bible, so it's not something I came up with, but man is it true! I consider myself to be pretty self-aware and introspective, but I have, in the last year, discovered some things about myself that I'd rather not have known. Okay, well, I guess a better way of saying that is that I'd like to have known about them a long time ago so that I didn't have to find out that I've been doing them for so long... vague enough? Ok.. let me get more specific. These are in chronological order, oldest to newest...

1) Firstly, I discovered that I was not a very loving person. This happened long enough ago that I actually don't remember what triggered it. But, it's true nonetheless. I'm not very loving. Sometimes this is simply due to pure selfishness, but not always. Again, things are never so simple... Often times my lack of love occurred via lack of awareness. I'm not an overly compassionate person, so I don't naturally consider the pains and needs of others. Additionally, I'm introverted, so I don't naturally desire the company of others and thus, again, don't consider their needs. I also tend to be very task oriented and I put my tasks ahead of people. And make no mistake, I'm plenty selfish as well. So, all this works together to form a mighty unloving person. Essentially I'm being the kind of person I'd not want anyone to be.

2) I think the next thing I discovered was that I had gotten into leadership for the wrong reasons. While I'd like to think that my motives weren't anything like POWER! (mwahahahaa!), in some ways they were. I think that there may have been a desire for admiration of man, for people to look up to me or to think me mature, a feeding of my pride. This is a foundational misunderstanding of the gospel (as we'll see in a moment). But, in addition to my desires to look good, I also had a desire to do full time ministry. Leadership was the path, in many ways, to full time ministry. But, as I discovered that full time (paid) ministry was not likely to be a viable option (for reasons I'd love to discuss with you some other time) I began to question why I was in leadership at all.

3) I, more often than I'd like to admit, fail to embrace the gospel. As I mentioned above, the cracks began to appear in many areas, such as in my desire to look mature. Really, a desire to look mature is born from a few reasons. Maybe I am proud, and just want to look snazzy. That can be true, though sinful. Maybe I believe that I must be good and do good to really be a Christian. Uh oh. This has been me for a long time. It's a subtle thing that I believe is an easy trap to fall into. The gospel alone, I mean God's grace alone, seems unbelievable. "Surely" we say "there must be something more... some additional requirements for God's acceptance!". Even if we don't blatantly state that, or would never SAY that, it's what we subtly believe. Oops, I see I've slipped into "we" again... I mean, it's what I subtly believed. (I'll come back to this we vs. me thing later). God has shown me (via a "cast iron pan in the face" subtlety) that I stink at living the gospel. There is so much freedom and peace when you embrace what Christ TRULY taught - namely, that we are saved by faith in Him alone. NO works, NO good deeds, NO acts of obedience will cut it. In fact, they don't even help. God doesn't love me more when I'm good. He doesn't love me more when I read my Bible. God loves me perfectly all the time. He loved me enough to die for my evils...

So, when I am able to recognize that, and embrace that, my life can be lived with complete peace. I'm not "good enough", but that doesn't matter. The Bible says that God's strength is perfected in weakness. I need to be willing to admit my weakness and not try to act smart enough, or good enough. (Laughably, as I wrote the last couple of sentences, I thought "This doesn't sound very smart... certainly not my best bit of writing." Wow... ironic with a capital I.)

4) I most often mistake God's gifts for God himself... and thus love the gifts more than the giver. I'd say I first started on the path to discovering this as I began reading "Enjoying the presence of God" by Jan Johnson. That book is, among other things, about learning to, as close as possible, approximate what Paul spoke of when he said to "pray without ceasing". It's about learning to enjoy God's presence constantly, rather than boxing Him into a "quiet time" or a "worship service".

God used that book, plus my own conviction, plus my wife's suggestion, to reveal more fully some of the errors in my heart. I've discovered that I really do seek my own pleasure and that even when I seek to make things orderly and good (a fine desire) I twist it into something ugly. I think I'm seeing that I am very good at thanking God for His gifts, but I am not very good at enjoying God Himself. He is the ultimate prize to be pursued and I'm too often satisfied with stopping at His gifts; the things which are to be pointers to Him! I do not want this to continue... I do not want my praise to terminate on His gifts. So, I'm praying He'll change me and redirect my desires yet again.

As I work through these, I praise God for #3.. God forgives me. That IS the gospel. All I have to do is accept that it's true and live a life of repentance. I am a messy, sloppy, destructive, work-in-progress. But, I pray that as I work through these things, my children will be aware that Daddy sins, but Jesus forgives him... and that by seeing this, they'll not grow up to be hypocrites, atheists, or, worst of all, pharisees.

So... that's been my year. What about yours?